A Tribute to Mitch Hedberg R.I.P

 

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti!

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender….all you do is say what the shiit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shiit fresh. Well that's a fresher….I'm going on break.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere…"

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying…

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… It's dirty.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here… It's in my file at home. …Under "D".

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? …Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "…Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for… That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…"

I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away…

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly…

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day…

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible…

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

Why are there no during pictures.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly…

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill…

…and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

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i finally got net again

hey this is hackthrough just popping in to tell everyone i got net now.

anyway the other day i was out at the city to a pizza bar and i guy was hitting this bag to get a high score (some game, you get a free pizza if you beat the high score) any way this guy was huge and scary looking and so were his mates but that wasnt gonna stop me from playing, so i got up and walk over to the machine punching bag thingy and all the guys luaghed and pointed at me(that was a bit harsh) so get up there and blitz the ell out of that bag and kick the crap out of thier high scores i felt so good.

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Cute Naruto Pics…

narutoandfbzhalloween.jpgNaruto-school sucks.jpgvalentine sasakur.JPGkakashi.JPGNarutard.jpgnaruto_he.jpg71.jpg68861-___41111_541_5.jpgangel kakashi.jpgbringiton.jpg

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Further Info

our game is composed of different subjects that students are currently doing at school. we have decided to do a round about 10 questions each on our specialist subject. each question(s) will be based on sub headings. e.g. Science, the question might be about chem, it might about bio hey it might even be about all science (boring as it is, hey it's me hackthrough taking over for 03077nguyen1) ,man im tired, me i'll be doing MODERN HISTORY i think i will be doing questions on the renassiassance + politics  fly2dasky will be covering science, little nguyen will be on maths and meeeeeeeee will be doing music fun fun fun the end of the world will be fun the apocolypes is coming fools 

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More problems…

Another problems we had was to deide what we were doing each and what about. We finally sorted it all out. BichYu is doing Science, Matt is doing history, Loc is doing Maths and Russel is doing Music.

It's all sorted!!!!

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71 Fun Things To Do On An Exam You Know You Are Going To Fail

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve
got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I
have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry
Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15
min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she’s not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of
the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if
necessary.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve
been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And
who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know
one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor’s left nostril.

34. Bring cheerleaders.

35. Bring pets.

36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.

38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.

41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this
drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise
you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit.”

46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.

52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to
use the phrase “Told you so”.

53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks”

54. Make Strange noises… get people to stare… look at the
person next to you as if he\she did it.

55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
that you once had. If you can’t think of anything, make something
up. Be creative. End the story with “I just thought I should tell
you.”

56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
that you’re someone else.

57. Play loud music.

58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
Do it casually, as if that’s what you are supposed to do after an
exam.

59. Dress like the professor.

60. Cross-Dress.

61. Borrow a friend’s Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.

62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.

63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
you’re supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
words “Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?”
It doesn’t matter if they are baked goods or not.

64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.

65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
a show of it.

67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.

68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules
of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
halfway through the test, and should include at least three
waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, “Okay,
let’s double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
Number three, E….”

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Dumb Blondes

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
– she called me to get my phone number.
– she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said “concentrate.”
– she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make
up her mind.
– she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
– she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and
“DON’T WALK.”
– she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
– she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
– she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
– she tried to drown a fish.
– she thought a quarterback was a refund.
– she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
– if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change
back.
– they had to burn the school down to get her out of third
grade.
– under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked
On Phonics.”
– she tripped over a cordless phone.
– she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
– at the bottom of the application where it says “sign
here”…she put Sagittarius.”
– she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
– it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
– if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
– she studied for a blood test.
– she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
– she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
– she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
– she sold the car for gas money.
– when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted), she went
home and got 16 friends.
– when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
– she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
– when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
– when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
“Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

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